Trying for Number Two: An (In)Fertility Story

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a long time. Years, really. Just over two.

This topic, is so near and dear to my heart, and so personal, it’s been calling to me to be shared, and yet it’s very nature is to hide, in deep dark spaces. It’s fertility. Or lack there of.

I’ve always known that I wanted to have babies. From the moment that I met my husband (when we were just teenagers) I’ve known. From the moment I started babysitting, working in after-school programs, nannying, I’ve known. From the time I chose to major in elementary education, I’ve known. What I didn’t know all those years, is just how hard it might be to conceive.

My husband and I met in high school. I was 15, and already on the pill to help clear up some skin issues (acne) that I was having. We acted as young, and in love, couples do, and I didn’t worry all that much. I didn’t worry for over 10 years. Then we got married, and decided it was finally time to set aside not worrying, and start trying. I didn’t think we’d have to try hard. But we did.

My monthly cycle didn’t return for over 6 months after I went off the pill. My body had basically never had to ovulate before, so it didn’t really know how to. I was in massage school at the time, and receiving lots of body work. I sought out the help of some of my teachers to try and get things going. I received Shaitsu (a form of bodywork that uses acupressure points to promote health) and Mayan Abdominal Massage. My body slowly started to respond. But 6 months later, and I was still only getting a period every 60 days or so, and I still wasn’t pregnant.

I started to get desperate. I had graduated massage school, and was building my practice. I was teaching and practicing yoga. I was working long hours, but taking really good care of myself. And yet still, nothing. The feelings of disappointment each time I learned I had not conceived were overwhelming. I didn’t understand why my body was not working. I blamed myself, and then I started to blame my husband. People constantly asked us  when we were going to conceive, without knowing the agonizing hurt that this very question caused. Our marriage was on the verge of collapse.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I know I am not alone. I know there are others out there just like me. We are a quiet group, but we are here.

Obviously, things did eventually change for me. I became pregnant with my son, after an intense summer of doing everything I could to get my body balanced, and healthy. I cleansed. I saw an acupuncturist at least once a week. I did yoga pretty much every, damned, day. My husband and I went on a cross country trip together, trying to find the freedom, and carefree-ness of our youth, before all this trying started. I tracked my cycles. And then I gave up. I truly and honestly felt in my heart that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. I moved on to other things (like an expensive online business course, and possible internship at a well known yoga center in Lenox). Then that little blue line appeared. I will never forget the day.

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I’m telling you all of this now, because now, I am back in it. 

We’re trying for number two. ::ppppheeeewwwww:: There I have said it.

We’re two months into trying for number two. And all the emotions are coming back. All of the fear, anxiety, questioning, it’s all coming flooding back in. No matter how much I try to keep it at bay. No matter how much I remind myself that stressing about it makes it even harder. No matter how much yoga and meditation I practice. IT’S. ALL. COMING. BACK.

The thing that is different about this time, is that this time I have a plan. This time I know what helped me before, and I’m starting to use the tools I have, sooner. AND, I’m so excited, because a good friend and colleague of mine has put these tools all into a neat little package.

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I met Adena in a business course for yoga teachers and healers. We spent 9 months together (online) dreaming, creating, learning, and deciding. She has built a wonderful program called “The Healing Diet ~Fertility Focus”, and I have built a platform and community with whom to share it. (That’s you).

The program begins in April. It’s going to be amazing. It’s going to be an opportunity to learn (so much!) about our female bodies, and our innate ability to heal. Ourselves. From within. 

I’m saying we because I hope you will join me. Even if you are not “trying” for whatever number. This course is for mamas in any stage of the game. Because the truth is we could all use a little healing, and balance. We could all benefit from knowing the ancient wisdom laying deep within our bodies. We could learn this wisdom and pass it on, to our families, our daughters (I have to admit I’m hoping for a girl at some point).

This is powerful stuff. If you think you might be interested and maybe want to hear a little bit more, or meet Adena (virtually at least), she’s offering a free call THIS SATURDAY. I’ll be there. I’ll be there with my comfy pants and cozy sweater. I’ll be there with my cup of tea, and perhaps a kitty curled in my lap. Or maybe I’ll be there with my toddler reaching his hands down my shirt and demanding “NEESH!” (as he likes to do lately). In any case, I’ll be there. And I hope, if you have any vested interest in learning more about your powerful body, you will too.

3 thoughts on “Trying for Number Two: An (In)Fertility Story

  1. Wow, Jozie. I’m so glad to hear part of your story. And so glad to work together, and so honored to have you share this! I’ll talk with you on Saturday!

  2. This is beautiful, Josie. Something I definitely need to consider as I’ve been on the pill for nearly a decade as well. Thank you. Xoxo

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