Saying Goodbye

The season has certainly shifted around here. We are in the midst of our first snow up here in New England, and everything is blanketed in white. (These pictures were taken at the beginning of the week, the last playground hurrah before snow!) There is a quiet hush, at least for now. The past few weeks have held this quality for us as well, the calm before the storm. It’s safe to say however, that after this past week, the storm is officially here.

We spent the past week (and I’m sure we’ll spend the next two) saying goodbye. But the thing about goodbye, is that it is so hard to say… Children often feel this the most. When leaving a beloved place, or friend, it can be just too hard. So we say, “See you later!”  and,  “We love you!” but not the G word. That’s how it feels leaving our home of the past 8 years, our neighborhood, and the friends we have made here. We said that this week to another dear friend. Our kitty of the past 13 years, my kitty. She passed on from this earth, on to her next journey. As we have been discussing with E what this means we have drawn reference from this book, and we like to say she is back to being in the stars, until she decides what life she will choose next here on Earth. It’s comforting to think of goodbye this way. As not an end but a transformation. Not a finite thing, but a new twist on the road of this everlasting journey. It’s still hard. Hard to leave, hard to change, and hard to know that the beautiful thing we have loved is passing on to someone or somewhere new.

This momentary quite repose is so beautiful, perhaps because, it is oh so fleeting.

Settle In For the Season

The wind is fiercely dancing past my windows as I sit to write this. The trees are barren after their final showing of life and vibrance. The ground is hardening, and winter, she is coming.

November always brings with it a certain feeling of settling, at least for us New Englanders. It’s time to cozy up our dens, build a fire, and hunker down for what is likely to be a long winter. At this time of year, it’s possibly to feel ok with that, especially if we have soaked in plenty of summer sun, and autumn warmth. We know that winter is just a season, and in time she will pass.

I’m settling in in many ways right now. Yes, the heat is turned on, soup is on my stove almost everyday, and my big comfy sweaters have made their way back into my closet. I’m ready for the time of year. But I’m also settling into a time of life, a season in itself. I’m finally settling into motherhood in a way that feels good, and right.

Let me explain…

After last year’s whirlwind of birthing a baby, and opening a new business, then slowly realizing that it all was too much… I’m taking a gentler approach. I’m (trying) (very hard) to let go of my ego, my need to be, and do, and achieve more. I’m letting myself adopt the mantra of “good, is good enough”. And in very practical matters, since I am unable to massage right now, I am taking a part-time job, at a nursery school.

In some ways this feel like a hundred steps back. Like something I would have done when I was in college, or high school,  not now with a bachelor’s degree, hundreds of hours in specialized training, and the experience of successfully being my own boss. But in other ways, this feels like a huge step forward, and a perfect place to be right now. It’s a good job, and good is good enough.

Right now my attention, my time, and energy, is flowing in all directions towards my family, and my own self care. I know that these early years of making, growing, and caring for babies are unique. I know that many women jump right back into their normal lives after having a baby, but I also know that many women face crippling health issues from burn out and exhaustion. I have been on the verge of these health issues due to my own ambition and drive, but I have finally given myself permission, and the necessary support, to stop.

Settling in carries with it a certain sadness. In November we in the northern hemisphere mourn the loss of our daylight, our warmth. As mothers we may mourn the loss of our former selves. The selves that could work a 10-hour a day job, and still have energy to exercise, go out with friends, and keep up with all of life’s demands. However we all must remember that this is just a season. This winter, this time of life, it will pass. How we spend it is what is of most importance. How we choose to play in this life is what really matters.

I’m choosing warm slippers, and cozy blankets, fires built, and soups cooked lovingly. I’m choosing self-care, and simplicity, work that is satisfying but not overly demanding, and time with my babies. I’m settling in, to enjoy all that I am blessed with. I hope that whatever season you are in, you are able to do the same.

family fox costume