Waiting…

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Well here we are in the middle of November. All of my good intention to be on this blog more have been well, just that, intentions. Something about this year, and this process of growth and change that I have been undergoing, this pregnancy, have all just led me to be very internal. And that’s ok, sometimes that’s just what we need.

Life has been settling a bit these past few months. I wound up going back to work very part-time, until a few weeks ago. We have been busy with our co-op group, and making the slow adjustment to realizing we will no longer be a family of three. Oh, and we have been fully in the three-year old zone, with all that entails.

Now, it feels like we are as ready as we are going to be (aside from a few last-minute items we need for our home birth). We are in the waiting zone. I will be 37 weeks pregnant in a few days, and this baby will be here… SOON.

The emotional trajectory of this pregnancy has been so charged, and so nuanced, with so many learnings and so much inner work being done. Our family has grown incredibly in the past year, and not just in numbers. Our relationships have deepened, in a way I could have never predicted. The path through infertility brought us to some dark places, but the light within each of us has held steady, and is soon to shine at its full brightness again.

This time of year is so magical. I’m not religious per say, but I grew up in Catholic school, and I consider myself to be a spiritual being. The dichotomy of darkness and light is so easy to feel right now, in so many ways. The earth plays out for us a deepening towards darkness, only to come out on the other side. And unfortunately we are seeing this in our society and culture as well right now. I can’t and won’t say much about it, except for that in the past year my deepest learning has been to trust. Trust in the light, and move towards it.

Now I am preparing myself to move towards the light of my baby, of birth. I am preparing myself for that all encompassing inward journey. That fiery transformative right of passage.

We can not know what is in store for us. So in all things, but mostly in ourselves and the transformative, ever-changing nature of the universe, we trust.

Since I do not know what my birth and postpartum has in store for me, I do not want to make predictions about when I will be back to this space. But I DO want to wish you and yours a beautiful, and light filled, holiday season. And I DO want to say, that I’ll see you when I see you, and until then you’re in my heart.

All Who Wander are Not Lost

I have been away for a while. What seems like a long while. When I first sat down to write this return post, I started to delve into my reasoning for my absence from this space. But then that draft never got published, and the longer I sat on it, the more I felt like… Well, I don’t really need to explain. Why? Mostly because I tried to explain all of what’s been happening under the surface of this life, all of the thoughts, emotions, relationships, dreams, and inner workings… I tried to explain the depths of what we as a family have been experiencing these past few months. And well, I just fell short. Suffice it to say, we have been exploring our depths, the resiliency of our relationships, and all that it means to truly be a family.

I have also spent some time reflecting on how I want to move forward with this space. Initially my blogging began years ago as a means of connecting with my students and clients as a yoga teacher and massage therapist. That morphed into this more intimate space about mothering, but still held on to the goal of connecting with clients, adding in the practice of being a Doula. This space has seen me through three years of becoming a mother, all the joys and hardships. This past year I told bits and pieces of our journey through infertility. Now as we prepare to welcome our second child, I am preparing to let go of many of the pieces and practices that I have built this blog around, namely my small business. Don’t get me wrong, I will probably be doulaing up until I myself give birth, and I will always be up for offering the occasional yoga class or massage. But I have finally, after three years, reached a place, where I feel perfectly comfortable just being “mama”. And this is what I plan to do, for the indefinite future.

I have wandered many years… in and out of jobs, career paths, educational pursuits. There have been many times when I have felt lost. But now, for all of my wandering, I finally realize, I have not been lost at all. Each of my pursuits have led me to this time and this place. They have trained me to become exactly the person that I need to be right now. And what has finally sunk in for me in the past few months, is that this person is who I have wanted to be all along. Just, mama.

So what I am hoping this space can be, is a place to share the adventures of this life as mama. When I named this blog, I did so because I came to realize that I am happiest when I am centered in these three words. I am happiest when I live my life through playful exploration. I am happiest when I am centered in my heart. And I am happiest being mama.

I’m 21 weeks pregnant now, and so joyfully savoring each moment of this long awaited gift, even the exhaustion and the puking (well, maybe not the puking so much, which luckily has passed). I’m mother to an amazing three year old, who is presenting us with our most challenging moments of parenting yet, but also our most fun. I am wife to a man who loves me more than I ever dreamed possible. This adventure is awesome. And each day more unfolds that inspires me. We are part of an amazing co-op of parents, sharing in our child care and education. We are beginning to explore unschooling as a family (which, for a couple of teachers is somewhat of a radical shift yet feels so right). We are planning a homebirth. And mostly, we are living each day. All of this is what I hope to share with you here. Thanks for sticking around during my long reprieve. I hope you have been living, and learning, and soaking it all in as much as I have.

mama and boy