Waiting…

maxresdefault

Well here we are in the middle of November. All of my good intention to be on this blog more have been well, just that, intentions. Something about this year, and this process of growth and change that I have been undergoing, this pregnancy, have all just led me to be very internal. And that’s ok, sometimes that’s just what we need.

Life has been settling a bit these past few months. I wound up going back to work very part-time, until a few weeks ago. We have been busy with our co-op group, and making the slow adjustment to realizing we will no longer be a family of three. Oh, and we have been fully in the three-year old zone, with all that entails.

Now, it feels like we are as ready as we are going to be (aside from a few last-minute items we need for our home birth). We are in the waiting zone. I will be 37 weeks pregnant in a few days, and this baby will be here… SOON.

The emotional trajectory of this pregnancy has been so charged, and so nuanced, with so many learnings and so much inner work being done. Our family has grown incredibly in the past year, and not just in numbers. Our relationships have deepened, in a way I could have never predicted. The path through infertility brought us to some dark places, but the light within each of us has held steady, and is soon to shine at its full brightness again.

This time of year is so magical. I’m not religious per say, but I grew up in Catholic school, and I consider myself to be a spiritual being. The dichotomy of darkness and light is so easy to feel right now, in so many ways. The earth plays out for us a deepening towards darkness, only to come out on the other side. And unfortunately we are seeing this in our society and culture as well right now. I can’t and won’t say much about it, except for that in the past year my deepest learning has been to trust. Trust in the light, and move towards it.

Now I am preparing myself to move towards the light of my baby, of birth. I am preparing myself for that all encompassing inward journey. That fiery transformative right of passage.

We can not know what is in store for us. So in all things, but mostly in ourselves and the transformative, ever-changing nature of the universe, we trust.

Since I do not know what my birth and postpartum has in store for me, I do not want to make predictions about when I will be back to this space. But I DO want to wish you and yours a beautiful, and light filled, holiday season. And I DO want to say, that I’ll see you when I see you, and until then you’re in my heart.

Settle In For the Season

family fox costume

The wind is fiercely dancing past my windows as I sit to write this. The trees are barren after their final showing of life and vibrance. The ground is hardening, and winter, she is coming.

November always brings with it a certain feeling of settling, at least for us New Englanders. It’s time to cozy up our dens, build a fire, and hunker down for what is likely to be a long winter. At this time of year, it’s possibly to feel ok with that, especially if we have soaked in plenty of summer sun, and autumn warmth. We know that winter is just a season, and in time she will pass.

I’m settling in in many ways right now. Yes, the heat is turned on, soup is on my stove almost everyday, and my big comfy sweaters have made their way back into my closet. I’m ready for the time of year. But I’m also settling into a time of life, a season in itself. I’m finally settling into motherhood in a way that feels good, and right.

Let me explain…

After last year’s whirlwind of birthing a baby, and opening a new business, then slowly realizing that it all was too much… I’m taking a gentler approach. I’m (trying) (very hard) to let go of my ego, my need to be, and do, and achieve more. I’m letting myself adopt the mantra of “good, is good enough”. And in very practical matters, since I am unable to massage right now, I am taking a part-time job, at a nursery school.

In some ways this feel like a hundred steps back. Like something I would have done when I was in college, or high school,  not now with a bachelor’s degree, hundreds of hours in specialized training, and the experience of successfully being my own boss. But in other ways, this feels like a huge step forward, and a perfect place to be right now. It’s a good job, and good is good enough.

Right now my attention, my time, and energy, is flowing in all directions towards my family, and my own self care. I know that these early years of making, growing, and caring for babies are unique. I know that many women jump right back into their normal lives after having a baby, but I also know that many women face crippling health issues from burn out and exhaustion. I have been on the verge of these health issues due to my own ambition and drive, but I have finally given myself permission, and the necessary support, to stop.

Settling in carries with it a certain sadness. In November we in the northern hemisphere mourn the loss of our daylight, our warmth. As mothers we may mourn the loss of our former selves. The selves that could work a 10-hour a day job, and still have energy to exercise, go out with friends, and keep up with all of life’s demands. However we all must remember that this is just a season. This winter, this time of life, it will pass. How we spend it is what is of most importance. How we choose to play in this life is what really matters.

I’m choosing warm slippers, and cozy blankets, fires built, and soups cooked lovingly. I’m choosing self-care, and simplicity, work that is satisfying but not overly demanding, and time with my babies. I’m settling in, to enjoy all that I am blessed with. I hope that whatever season you are in, you are able to do the same.

family fox costume