All Who Wander are Not Lost

I have been away for a while. What seems like a long while. When I first sat down to write this return post, I started to delve into my reasoning for my absence from this space. But then that draft never got published, and the longer I sat on it, the more I felt like… Well, I don’t really need to explain. Why? Mostly because I tried to explain all of what’s been happening under the surface of this life, all of the thoughts, emotions, relationships, dreams, and inner workings… I tried to explain the depths of what we as a family have been experiencing these past few months. And well, I just fell short. Suffice it to say, we have been exploring our depths, the resiliency of our relationships, and all that it means to truly be a family.

I have also spent some time reflecting on how I want to move forward with this space. Initially my blogging began years ago as a means of connecting with my students and clients as a yoga teacher and massage therapist. That morphed into this more intimate space about mothering, but still held on to the goal of connecting with clients, adding in the practice of being a Doula. This space has seen me through three years of becoming a mother, all the joys and hardships. This past year I told bits and pieces of our journey through infertility. Now as we prepare to welcome our second child, I am preparing to let go of many of the pieces and practices that I have built this blog around, namely my small business. Don’t get me wrong, I will probably be doulaing up until I myself give birth, and I will always be up for offering the occasional yoga class or massage. But I have finally, after three years, reached a place, where I feel perfectly comfortable just being “mama”. And this is what I plan to do, for the indefinite future.

I have wandered many years… in and out of jobs, career paths, educational pursuits. There have been many times when I have felt lost. But now, for all of my wandering, I finally realize, I have not been lost at all. Each of my pursuits have led me to this time and this place. They have trained me to become exactly the person that I need to be right now. And what has finally sunk in for me in the past few months, is that this person is who I have wanted to be all along. Just, mama.

So what I am hoping this space can be, is a place to share the adventures of this life as mama. When I named this blog, I did so because I came to realize that I am happiest when I am centered in these three words. I am happiest when I live my life through playful exploration. I am happiest when I am centered in my heart. And I am happiest being mama.

I’m 21 weeks pregnant now, and so joyfully savoring each moment of this long awaited gift, even the exhaustion and the puking (well, maybe not the puking so much, which luckily has passed). I’m mother to an amazing three year old, who is presenting us with our most challenging moments of parenting yet, but also our most fun. I am wife to a man who loves me more than I ever dreamed possible. This adventure is awesome. And each day more unfolds that inspires me. We are part of an amazing co-op of parents, sharing in our child care and education. We are beginning to explore unschooling as a family (which, for a couple of teachers is somewhat of a┬áradical shift yet feels so right). We are planning a homebirth. And mostly, we are living each day. All of this is what I hope to share with you here. Thanks for sticking around during my long reprieve. I hope you have been living, and learning, and soaking it all in as much as I have.

mama and boy

No Greater Love

Mother’s Day has always had special meaning to me. The idea of celebrating a job so big on just one day is both absurd and beautiful. It feels as though when I was a child I recognized the enormity of being a mother, the selfless service, the patience, the love. My own mother is a tremendous example of all of these things, and I always felt that there were not enough gifts, nor enough time in a day, to adequately express gratitude for this. But now, as a mother myself on this day, I recognize, the gift is the love itself. The love of a child.

I’ve spent a lot of time these past few months, this past year, reflecting on my journey of motherhood. It hasn’t been easy in any sense of the word, and yet it has been absolutely miraculous. From the very moment of conception, to the labor of birth, to the years of sleepless nights and half asleep days, motherhood is hard. But then… the love. The tiny hand holding your finger, the head laid on your chest in complete surrender and comfort, the arms that would wrap around you twice if they could. The looks of joy, heartache, surprise, mischief. The words “mama”, and “I love you” spoken by a tiny voice. There is no greater love.

I’m feeling oh so grateful on this Mother’s Day. Grateful for the experience of being a mama. Grateful for my own mother who has shown me, led me by example of her grace. Grateful for all of the women who have mothered me in some way, and the women whom I have shared my journey of motherhood with. Grateful for my son, who made me a mama. And, grateful for the blessing of getting to do it all over again. ­čÖé (That’s right! success!!)

This day is bittersweet for so many as we honor the women in our lives who live up to this title of “mother”. Many are here with us, many are not. Many embody this title in every way, yet remain childless. To these especially my heart is with you today. May hope and love always reside in your hearts. And if you are a woman who has ever nurtured anybody, in any way, ┬ácelebrate yourself. Happy Mother’s Day to you.

Baby!!!! @ 8 weeks. Healthy ultrasound.