All Who Wander are Not Lost

I have been away for a while. What seems like a long while. When I first sat down to write this return post, I started to delve into my reasoning for my absence from this space. But then that draft never got published, and the longer I sat on it, the more I felt like… Well, I don’t really need to explain. Why? Mostly because I tried to explain all of what’s been happening under the surface of this life, all of the thoughts, emotions, relationships, dreams, and inner workings… I tried to explain the depths of what we as a family have been experiencing these past few months. And well, I just fell short. Suffice it to say, we have been exploring our depths, the resiliency of our relationships, and all that it means to truly be a family.

I have also spent some time reflecting on how I want to move forward with this space. Initially my blogging began years ago as a means of connecting with my students and clients as a yoga teacher and massage therapist. That morphed into this more intimate space about mothering, but still held on to the goal of connecting with clients, adding in the practice of being a Doula. This space has seen me through three years of becoming a mother, all the joys and hardships. This past year I told bits and pieces of our journey through infertility. Now as we prepare to welcome our second child, I am preparing to let go of many of the pieces and practices that I have built this blog around, namely my small business. Don’t get me wrong, I will probably be doulaing up until I myself give birth, and I will always be up for offering the occasional yoga class or massage. But I have finally, after three years, reached a place, where I feel perfectly comfortable just being “mama”. And this is what I plan to do, for the indefinite future.

I have wandered many years… in and out of jobs, career paths, educational pursuits. There have been many times when I have felt lost. But now, for all of my wandering, I finally realize, I have not been lost at all. Each of my pursuits have led me to this time and this place. They have trained me to become exactly the person that I need to be right now. And what has finally sunk in for me in the past few months, is that this person is who I have wanted to be all along. Just, mama.

So what I am hoping this space can be, is a place to share the adventures of this life as mama. When I named this blog, I did so because I came to realize that I am happiest when I am centered in these three words. I am happiest when I live my life through playful exploration. I am happiest when I am centered in my heart. And I am happiest being mama.

I’m 21 weeks pregnant now, and so joyfully savoring each moment of this long awaited gift, even the exhaustion and the puking (well, maybe not the puking so much, which luckily has passed). I’m mother to an amazing three year old, who is presenting us with our most challenging moments of parenting yet, but also our most fun. I am wife to a man who loves me more than I ever dreamed possible. This adventure is awesome. And each day more unfolds that inspires me. We are part of an amazing co-op of parents, sharing in our child care and education. We are beginning to explore unschooling as a family (which, for a couple of teachers is somewhat of a┬áradical shift yet feels so right). We are planning a homebirth. And mostly, we are living each day. All of this is what I hope to share with you here. Thanks for sticking around during my long reprieve. I hope you have been living, and learning, and soaking it all in as much as I have.

mama and boy

Montessori Mama

In March I began working at a little Montessori School close to home. I’ve written a few times about this big transition, going from fully self-employed, to fully not. It’s actually been wonderful. I loved running my business, I loved my clients and students, but it was a lot of effort, for not a whole lot of return financially. So, truth be told, it’s a lot easier to work for someone else, at least for the time being.

The thing that happened when I started working at the school, which I didn’t quite expect, was that I fell back in love with education. Many of you know I began my adult years/ career (I’m not a huge fan of that word) as an elementary school teacher. I loved every moment of my training to become a teacher, and then when I began working in the public school I quickly fell out of love. Quickly, and hard. I broke up with my job, saying “It’s not me, it’s YOU” and vowed that the work wasn’t for me. But the truth is, it is. Being a teacher is a deep calling for me. One that I never really gave up, but that has taken many forms on my journey.

Stepping into the Montessori classroom each day, feeling the ease and the lightness with which learning was taking place, witnessing the joy, and the love from teacher to student, I fell back in love myself. This is an educational practice I can get behind. This is a method in which I can be who I am, and teach the way my heart longs to teach.

So that’s what I’m doing. It’s a big part of what has consumed my time and attention these past months (and part of why I have been away from here). But now that I am back to writing, I figure I must share with you each and every part of me. Part of that whole being authentic thing which I talked about last time. In a few weeks I will be starting a Montessori Training program. I’d like to share my journey through this program with you. Right now I’m deep into the summer reading required before I start (by deep I mean I’m in deep trouble cause I don’t think I’ll ever get it done). Here’s a quote I came across last night that I enjoyed, and be on the lookout for more ­čÖé

 

Man's hand quote