It’s 1 am. I shouldn’t be up writing, but here I am. I’ve spent the week diligently, dutifully working… and being sick, because currently I work in a germ incubator. So all of my free creative time was eaten up by sleep this week. Much needed sleep, but sleep all the same. So I’m balancing things out tonight with a little late night creative energy.
The new moon is tonight. Or today, however you look at it. The first new moon of the new year. So there’s a lot of energy swirling around setting an intention. My astrological guide says that a new moon in Capricorn is all about finding balance, while steadily climbing the mountain of your dreams.
“Tune in to the earth. Let your balance be a conversation between you and the benevolent forces whispering “step here next”!”
That feels a lot like what I am doing lately, taking each step as it comes. Trusting that I will find my footing, following this path to wherever it is going to lead me.
Tomorrow, or later today, I’m hosting a first meeting of what I hope will become a homeschool co-op. Heading into this, and homeschooling in general, I’m embodying the goat on the mountain. Steadily placing one foot in front of another, trusting my own ability to balance and climb. I’m excited about this journey. Perhaps that is why I can’t sleep. I’m excited by all of the unknowns, for once, because usually unknowns terrify me. I’m excited to see, feel, and fully experience where this will take our little family.
I’m also finally feeling like I’m beginning to trust myself. After 30 years. I mentioned this in my journal the other day…
“I have always tried to live without regret. I have always tried to truly follow my heart. In doing so, I have taken a lot of steps, lost my way at times even. But in this moment, every step truly does feel important… it’s all led me to this point, made me who I am. And for the most part, I like who I am. I think, finally, at 30, I’m starting to feel really comfortable in my own skin.”
So that’s my new moon, 1 am, intention. To do more of this, this trusting, this being comfortable, this taking steady steps towards my goals, guided by benevolent whispers.
I hope dear friends, that you are sleeping. But if you are not, if you are up, infused with this moon energy as I am, I hope you are feeling really good in your own skin.
I’m so psyched to be back here. And I’m looking forward to being back here a whole lot more in 2016.
2015 was a crazy year for me. I built this blog and got it going, and then pretty much left it in the dust for awhile. That was truly a bummer. I was in a place of really needing to try something different, but honestly it was a “Is the grass greener over there?” kind of experiment. And to be truthful. It wasn’t. The grass was just as green, or maybe even less so, because I didn’t have the time to stop and enjoy it, roll in it, smell it with my whole self. It was grass, and I was walking through it, but life was much richer when I had the time and space to roll, lay, and dream in the grass.
So what’s new in 2016? I’m coming home, again. I feel like I have done this before. This drop everything that doesn’t matter to me and get back to my true self kind of thing. I’ve done it a few times in fact. I guess it takes me a few times to learn my lesson. Kind of like gluten. It’s taken me forever to accept the fact that my body doesn’t like it. I grew up eating pasta at almost every meal, how could my body not like it?!? But it doesn’t. So finally… lesson learned. I’m gluten free starting in 2016.
It’s also taken me awhile to learn that I have to follow my heart. Like truly, I have to do what it’s telling me to do or I get torn up, emotionally, physically, I can’t handle not following my heart. Some people can I guess. Neither one of us are better or worse. I just can’t do it. So, my heart has always wanted to homeschool, and in 2016, we are officially taking the plunge with no going back (at least for as long as it is working for us). But there’s more to the story than that. As there always is…
2015 was filled with the desire to get pregnant. From the day (almost exactly a year ago) that I got my cycle back postpartum, until now, we have been trying for a baby. I really wanted to have my babies close together. I wanted Everett to have a sibling close in age, and honestly I didn’t want to get too used to all the good things like sleeping and eating and showering. I wanted to conceive in a way that was so deeply rooted in my soul, and when it wasn’t happening, I got to a place of extreme despair. A few months ago, after breaking down (like sobbing on the floor in a crumpled heap) I had to make a decision. I had to decide to let this desire go.
I never expected creating a family to be so hard. My husband and I spent the majority of our relationship preventing babies, (cause a baby at 16 wouldn’t have been a good idea for us). We conceived our first child naturally, but it did take a while. My cycle was crazy and irregular for a full year after I stopped birth control. But this time, I thought we’d have better luck. My cycle has been regular all year. I am so much more informed about my body, and what it takes to conceive. I track, I temp, I eat well, and I take ALL.THE.VITAMINS. I’ve spent this past year wondering what is wrong with my body, what is wrong with me that I can’t conceive? I’d developed this huge mistrust of my body. Then finally after above mentioned breakdown, I decided we needed answers.
Hormone tests, ultrasounds, x-rays of my uterus, and repeat. Semen Analysis, x2. And, finally we’ve got our answer. It’s not me. It’s my husband’s motility. (Sorry babe, you know I’m an open book). The swimmers, aren’t able to swim to where they need to be to get to that egg. The doctor is recommending IVF, because to him the numbers are clear. An average healthy couple with no fertility issues has a 20% chance of conceiving each month (which I know, seems crazy low!). We have about a 5% chance. IVF gives you a 40-50% chance.
So anyways, IVF means lots of doctor’s appointments. It means having to take days off without much notice. It means hormone injections, and perhaps not feeling quite like myself at times. It’s a big deal to me. One that I am still wrapping my brain around. It’s part of why I decided to leave my job, and go back to working for myself. But even if we decide to go down the road of IVF, I had to make the decision to let ALL OF THIS go.
We have one amazingly beautiful, amazingly awesome child. He was conceived naturally, born naturally, and he is the absolute light of my life. He is enough.
Whether nature, or science decides to bless us with another child, we are fine. Whether E grows up an only child, or a big brother, we will all be fine. Whether I get to experience pregnancy and birth again, or not, I am fine, more than fine. I am a mother. I have everything I need, and everything I want.
So, I didn’t plan to write all of this in one post, but I guess I needed to. My intention for this blog going forward is to keep it real, keep it personal, and keep telling you about my journey. Everything from our homeschooling adventures, to what we are eating, what we are creating, and what happens along the way in my fertility exploration. My plan for 2016 is to take each day as it comes, to enjoy and embrace it for all its beauty, and all the lessons it holds within it.
I hope 2016 is already off to a beautiful start for you, my dear reader. Thank you for being here on this adventure of life with me.