This used to be a show I would watch as a kid. Any kid from the 90’s probably remembers it. Spooky stories, told by a campfire, meant to send chills down your spine, or send you running to find protection under your huge comforter. I’ve never been into scary movies, but this tame show I could handle. Usually.
I have never bought in to our culture’s obsession with fear. And yet, I am drawn to darkness, mysticism, and enchanting tales. But this post is not really about that… this post is about the darkness of our own hearts. The winter solstice has just passed, and once the year turns to new, the re-emergence of light begins to feel imminent. I have many hopes for 2015, but my biggest is for the re-emergence of light in my own heart.
As a writer, sometimes I share my words openly, and sometimes I hide them away. In my last post, I shared words that were raw, and I was met with a response that left me feeling even more torn open. It left me feeling like I wanted to hide. So I allowed myself to sink into my darkness, crawl into my shell, for a time. But hiding in my shell defeats the whole purpose of starting this blog in the first place.
Just about one year ago, I began to write openly and honestly about my experience of becoming a mama. I have written tender words, I have shared honest stories, I have opened my life up to be viewed by others, only ever in the hopes that someone might find connection, comfort, solace in my words. I believe in the power of vulnerability, and truth, and though sometimes I am afraid of the dark, I still go there.
So now, here is a glimpse into what I have been hiding…. Written on the solstice, in my journal.
I am not afraid of my darkness. For me darkness is fear, anxiety, feeling insufficient, feeling small. Darkness is self-criticism. Darkness is doubt. darkness is silencing. Darkness is failing, floundering, not asking for help. Darkness is perfectionism, and trying to do it all alone.
I am not afraid of my darkness. I have witnessed it, lived it, and now I am ready to leave it behind. Slowly, I am stepping into my light. Slowly, the light within is re-emerging. The solstice is a reminder that this does not happen immediately. The journey from darkness to light is traveled in seconds, moments. Quietly and tenderly the light whispers back into the day. Gently our bodies emerge from the depths of their slumber. Slowly we step out onto new earth.
There are still lessons to be learned. The darkness is our teacher, healer. Wrapped and embraced in her heavy cloak, we tap into deep knowing.
I know that this life is precious. I know that my time here is sacred. I know that my choice to live this gift fully means that often I am still figuring things out. That is ok. The day that I stop changing and growing, learning and moving, is the day the darkness takes over. That day is not today. That day is not for a long time.
I am not afraid of the darkness. But perhaps I need to learn not to fear the light.
The Moon Print