Morning Writing

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Even if it’s on my phone, which it likely is these days, expression through words has always helped me process the emotions and events of life. I haven’t been writing nearly enough lately, especially given the storm of emotions I’ve been experiencing. So I’m going to try and make a commitment to a few daily morning notes, and since I feel like showing up here has always been more helpful to me than I expected, I’m going to commit to that too. So where to start?

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It’s winter. I’m two months postpartum. I have a refluxy baby and an energetic three year old. It’s been snowing, and bitterly cold. We are spending a lot of time in the walls of this house. I love this house, but I have a thing about keeping it tidy, a tidy house keeps me calm. It’s not tidy lately.

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I’m exhausted. But I’m having trouble following that age old advice to sleep when your baby sleeps. Obviously, otherwise I’d be sleeping now instead of writing. But I need both. I need to sleep and I need a moment of peace to write, so I choose to do that while holding my baby and keeping my boob as close to him as possible so that he’ll stay asleep. My three year old is at our co-op playgroup today, thank god for those mamas and that blessed group.

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I feel bad that I gave my baby a body. I know, that’s a weird thing to say. But he’s uncomfortable in it. I willed this baby so strongly into existence, when maybe he was happy just being a little spirit of the universe. But, I do believe babies choose when and who to come to. They choose their earthly journey. So there has got to be some reason he chose me, is, this life and the body that came with it. We’re doing all we can to make him comfy. In fact I’m quite jealous of all the body work this babe is getting lately.

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Body work. Body. Being. Oh yes, I have and am one of those too. It’s easy to forget sometimes in the 24/7 job that is mothering. I would tell any other mother that it’s important to put yourself first. Mama can’t take care of everyone if she doesn’t take care of herself. So…that. And this. This is part of my self care. Now for that nap…

When it Don’t Come Easy

But if you break down
I’ll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I’ll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don’t come easy

~patty griffin

In the time since my last post, things got a little crazy around here. A hot mess mama, a fussy baby who was struggling to get enough milk, a despondent three year old who is coming to terms with his new role as big brother and all the responsibilities that entails, and a papa who in his ever steady way was doing his best to hold us all together. The words above are from one of my all time favorite Patty Griffin songs, and it’s pretty much how we’ve been making it through this not so easy time…with a lot of reminders of the love we all have for each other.

 

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The morning before we were clued in to issue. This picture seems like a sweet gathering, but doesn’t truly depict the anxiety I was feeling, the aching belly of my baby, and the desperate attention seeking of my big boy. We were a mess but even in the chaos we were holding each other close, and I’m grateful for that.
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Baby D needed a tongue and lip tie revision. He was struggling to get enough milk, and had stopped gaining weight. A dear friend lovingly clued us in to the issue, as she had all too much familiarity with it. She got me through the stress of making appointments to see an IBCLC and pediatric dentist. the day of the revision, the dental assistant was sweet as could be, and helped to lighten our hearts with the hilarity of this little get-up.
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An improved latch. But even still it’s only like this when baby D is asleep, or relaxed enough. He still tends to have a tight upper lip and jaw. We’ve been doing chiropractic and this week we try Cranio Sacral to help him release.
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Couch time. Lots of it. I asked E to hold my hand, and he lovingly did. My sweet boy, so challenging in his energy and emotions sometimes, but others…just oh!
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And this guy. Baby D. He’s doing so much better. Less reflux, less crying, more moments of calm alertness, and this sweet face. Oh how we all love him.

When it don’t come easy, we hold on to the ones we love, and remind them, and ourselves that this love is strong, and always sees us through.

Hope you are holding your loved ones close.