Even if it’s on my phone, which it likely is these days, expression through words has always helped me process the emotions and events of life. I haven’t been writing nearly enough lately, especially given the storm of emotions I’ve been experiencing. So I’m going to try and make a commitment to a few daily morning notes, and since I feel like showing up here has always been more helpful to me than I expected, I’m going to commit to that too. So where to start?
It’s winter. I’m two months postpartum. I have a refluxy baby and an energetic three year old. It’s been snowing, and bitterly cold. We are spending a lot of time in the walls of this house. I love this house, but I have a thing about keeping it tidy, a tidy house keeps me calm. It’s not tidy lately.
I’m exhausted. But I’m having trouble following that age old advice to sleep when your baby sleeps. Obviously, otherwise I’d be sleeping now instead of writing. But I need both. I need to sleep and I need a moment of peace to write, so I choose to do that while holding my baby and keeping my boob as close to him as possible so that he’ll stay asleep. My three year old is at our co-op playgroup today, thank god for those mamas and that blessed group.
I feel bad that I gave my baby a body. I know, that’s a weird thing to say. But he’s uncomfortable in it. I willed this baby so strongly into existence, when maybe he was happy just being a little spirit of the universe. But, I do believe babies choose when and who to come to. They choose their earthly journey. So there has got to be some reason he chose me, is, this life and the body that came with it. We’re doing all we can to make him comfy. In fact I’m quite jealous of all the body work this babe is getting lately.
Body work. Body. Being. Oh yes, I have and am one of those too. It’s easy to forget sometimes in the 24/7 job that is mothering. I would tell any other mother that it’s important to put yourself first. Mama can’t take care of everyone if she doesn’t take care of herself. So…that. And this. This is part of my self care. Now for that nap…