Waiting…

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Well here we are in the middle of November. All of my good intention to be on this blog more have been well, just that, intentions. Something about this year, and this process of growth and change that I have been undergoing, this pregnancy, have all just led me to be very internal. And that’s ok, sometimes that’s just what we need.

Life has been settling a bit these past few months. I wound up going back to work very part-time, until a few weeks ago. We have been busy with our co-op group, and making the slow adjustment to realizing we will no longer be a family of three. Oh, and we have been fully in the three-year old zone, with all that entails.

Now, it feels like we are as ready as we are going to be (aside from a few last-minute items we need for our home birth). We are in the waiting zone. I will be 37 weeks pregnant in a few days, and this baby will be here… SOON.

The emotional trajectory of this pregnancy has been so charged, and so nuanced, with so many learnings and so much inner work being done. Our family has grown incredibly in the past year, and not just in numbers. Our relationships have deepened, in a way I could have never predicted. The path through infertility brought us to some dark places, but the light within each of us has held steady, and is soon to shine at its full brightness again.

This time of year is so magical. I’m not religious per say, but I grew up in Catholic school, and I consider myself to be a spiritual being. The dichotomy of darkness and light is so easy to feel right now, in so many ways. The earth plays out for us a deepening towards darkness, only to come out on the other side. And unfortunately we are seeing this in our society and culture as well right now. I can’t and won’t say much about it, except for that in the past year my deepest learning has been to trust. Trust in the light, and move towards it.

Now I am preparing myself to move towards the light of my baby, of birth. I am preparing myself for that all encompassing inward journey. That fiery transformative right of passage.

We can not know what is in store for us. So in all things, but mostly in ourselves and the transformative, ever-changing nature of the universe, we trust.

Since I do not know what my birth and postpartum has in store for me, I do not want to make predictions about when I will be back to this space. But I DO want to wish you and yours a beautiful, and light filled, holiday season. And I DO want to say, that I’ll see you when I see you, and until then you’re in my heart.

Growing

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At the start of this growing season, I was in my first trimester, working, and dealing with exhaustion and nausea. Our garden needed massive overhaul due to a failed detail of our new vertical beds. The plastic we had used to line the beds was crumbling. Hot, tired, and sick, I decided there was just no extra energy to put into growing plants this year, it was all being used to grow a human. So the garden sat. But it’s amazing how even in a zero effort garden, sometimes things grow.

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Thai basil, apparently grew itself from lasts years seeds!

 

For the whole summer I have felt sad that I didn’t put effort into our garden this year, but realizing this, the nature of growth, I feel relieved, and satisfied. I’ve been worrying a bit lately as we move into unschooling, that I am not doing enough, teaching enough, so that E will learn, grow, become the best that he can be. But realizing that growth, and learning happen no matter what, I feel a sense of joy, and I’m starting to be able to relax, to just sit back and watch.

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While we worked together on the garden today, we chatted. We talked about our observations, and how gardening is like a big science experiment, how this year was a “cleaning out” year, and what we plan to plant next year, based on what we have learned. And there it is… Learning, and growth. Easy. Simple. Relaxed. Authentic. And it doesn’t matter what age we are, there’s always more.

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